10 Things You Should Know After Leaving An
Unhealthy Relationship:
Written
by: Natessa Storm
We've all been there. You have
the pit in your stomach that tells you something isn't right, your heart starts
aching, tears just start falling out of nowhere but you know it's happening:
Your heart is about to get broken. I like to think of myself as a very
intuitive young woman; so when my boyfriend of two years started to avoid me
and seemed massively uninterested in making plans with me, I knew it was
coming. Being nineteen years old and having a number of break-ups under my
belt, I thought I knew how I was going to handle it. We had done this before.
He breaks up with me, I cry for weeks, can't sleep more than a few hours, don't
have the appetite to eat anything. Then he comes crawling back realizing what
an awful mistake he made and how he promises to "never hurt me
again". Ah, right.
After we broke things off, I
realized something different the second time around. I was in complete denial
that my relationship was unhealthy and I was actually severely unhappy. Not
only was my heart completely destroyed (because it was pretty much stomped on
throughout the entirety of the relationship anyways),
but I was becoming somebody that I wasn't. I was becoming that girl who dropped
plans with her friends for her boyfriend (because he "needed me"), I
was that girl who defended her boyfriend's behavior when he would say something
extremely out-of-line, and the saddest part of it all, I was that girl who
denied there was a problem. When my friends would tell me, "He sounds like
he's controlling you" or they would ask me, "You've been fighting with him all week
and you seem really torn up about it, is something wrong?" or "Why can't you come to the party with
us? Why do you have to wait and go with him?" I would deny it all.
-No, he isn't controlling, he's just protective.
-No, it was just a silly miscommunication.
It was my fault. We'll kiss and make up and it'll all be fine.
-Oh, he would be upset if I didn't
wait for him. I don't want to start another fight.
Ladies, gentlemen, YOU! Listen up, please. These are things you need
to hear whether you want to hear them or not. These are ten things you should
know after leaving an unhealthy relationship:
1.
It's not your fault. No
matter how many times you would try to explain yourself to them, they wouldn't
listen. They would very often blame problems on you. Well, guess what. You
don't need to explain yourself. None of the manipulation was your fault. You are who you are and if they don't like it,
they can take a fucking hike because you do NOT deserve that.
2.
You are worthy of
loving again. When leaving a
relationship, you may feel like you are incapable of loving anyone ever again.
You may feel like, "If they didn't
love me, then who can?" Let me tell you something: There are SO many
people out there who are willing to treat you like the gem that you are! Baby,
you are a dime! Wait it out. Don't push anything. Don't rush into something
you're not ready for. It'll happen naturally.
3. It will hurt.
If you were in an unhealthy relationship for any length of time (but more
specifically a long-term relationship), you may feel like you lost a huge part
of yourself in them. It can feel like you put so much time and energy into
something so exhausting, and now you're left empty-handed. It will hurt. A lot. Let it. It's okay to
cry as long and as hard as you want. As one of my wise friends told me after my
last break-up, "You'll be fine all
day, and then at night you're a mess; and that will happen for a while. But one
day the sun will go down and you'll be waiting to fall apart, and it won't
happen. You'll be waiting for that negative feeling to hit you like a ton of
bricks.. and it won't. And that's how you know you're okay."
4.
Come to terms with
being alone. We all
love company! There's such a natural feeling of comfort and positive energy
that comes with it. But at the end of the day when your friends go home and the
party is over, all you really have is
yourself. People will come in and out of your life, but you need to learn how
to be alone. You need to be okay with that.
5.
You will be tempted. Eventually, they will want you
back. This is normal behavior, as I'm sure many have experienced in their
unhealthy relationships (myself included). Do not, with all of your strength, do not take them back. It is extremely rare for somebody who
damaged you so badly to fix themselves, especially if they are not capable of
having a healthy relationship.
6.
Learn how to love
yourself. Take yourself out for lunch. Go for a long walk on a
beautiful day. See a movie that makes you laugh. Buy yourself that cute sweater
you like. Smile at people you walk by. Take every opportunity you have to look
up from your phone and be in the moment. Wear outfits that make you feel sexy.
Go to the club and dance to your heart's content. Look in the mirror every day
and tell yourself how special you are, because you truly are.
7.
This experience will
make you stronger. It will make you wiser. It will make you more
aware. It will make you appreciate the people who support you. It will make you
a true badass who doesn't put up with anyone's crap. You will know exactly
what you want and what you need from a relationship, and if you aren't getting
it, you will not be afraid to leave it.
8.
Do not look back,
keeping moving forward. Do not dwell on the past, because you have
an entire future ahead of you to look forward to! Why look back on all the
negative when we can embrace the positivity?! Everything happens for a reason.
You do not need anybody who doesn't need you. You need to think for yourself,
not for anyone else! Always remember that.
9.
It's okay to have bad
days.
Trust me, we all have them. If you want to scream and throw shit (actually
don't do the latter but I understand either way), call up a friend and yell
about it. Go for a run. Write your feelings down. Do something that is healthy for your mind and
your body. Some things are very difficult to forget, especially when they once
meant so much to us. You are different people now. You are a survivor, not a
victim. You got this.
10. Be free! This will be a lot easier to accept when
you come to terms with all of the other items on the list. But hey, you're
already doing better. I'm so proud of you. You feel like a weight has been
lifted off your shoulders. Go out there and be the best you that you can
possibly be! :-)
Thank you
for taking the time out of the day to read this article and to let me share my
story with you. Sending lots of love and good vibes to everyone out there going
through a hard time. I think we need to be reminded that everyone has their
shit to work through. So I'm here for you. And you are great.
XOXOXO
